2004-05-13 [mywolfalways]: Chapter one was interesting, but very hard to follow. The introduction was cute, but I think I would have liked to hear about the antics of you and Schi-Schi staying after school. I felt that the first chapter could have done with more detail. Overall, though, it was a good start. It definately captures the attention of the reader.

2004-05-16 [eyes of frost]: chapters six through eight located at The girl 2

2004-05-17 [thestranger]: Ok... just some grammatical stuff I noticed as I went along: "By the time we were done I was horse." Should be hoarse... "I had a dread in my head and a knot in my stomach. I hoped that t wasn't my house" You're missing the i in it and a dread in my head isn't proper english (not a big deal unless you're trying to get this published lol).... "I didn't know where I was and there was nothing that could tell me where I was." is a little off, read it aloud, it sounds a little awkward, you should consider revising the was at the end of the sentence.

2004-05-17 [thestranger]: Ok, yeah. Thats about as far as I could go, honestly. I kept reading, but it was getting very confusing and less and less cohesive. Since I didn't read through it all I can't offer advice on the rest, but for the beginning, the schi-schi and bun-bun name calling got very tiring quickly, I'd also suggest making it a little more clear what exactly is going on. Suspense is good, but only for so long, you can't leave the reader in the dark forever, or they're going to get bored. (Not that this is boring by any shot) You've got a great idea here, just a few suggestions so you can run away with it :D

2004-05-19 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Two: Not too bad, but you have a habit of switching between present and past tense here and there. With more writing that will become less and less. Just be sure to recheck your work for present tense words since you are working in past tense. I think I would have liked this better if you would have spent more time actually describing some day to day things, which would show how all the characters got along. Without the interaction between characters, it makes all the other characters seem flat compared to Liana. Day to day interaction would also probably draw the reader in a bit more.

2004-05-19 [eyes of frost]: if you keep on reading there is more day to day interaction and alot of talking.....should really stop all the talking but it explains alot.

2004-05-20 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: well i read the first two chapters. do you mind if i print the rest off? it gets kinda hard on the eyes to read so much on the computer... so far, i think it is a very good idea.

2004-05-20 [eyes of frost]: go ahead.

2004-05-20 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: thanks. tis hard to read on the computer... specially with my horrible eyes...

2004-05-20 [eyes of frost]: laughs

2004-05-20 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: i hate having eyes like this. and because i read so much and print always in smallest font possible, the get worse every couple month... just got new glasses two month ago...

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Three: A good chapter overall. You have such wonderful ideas, but they don’t seem to be fully developed. The writing in the first few paragraphs of these seems awkward. A few present tense sentences here and there. The beginning of this chapter almost seems as if it is just an overview of the happenings than actual interaction; I think that is what is bothering me about it. It’s like an almost omniscient first person POV without the detail to be omniscient.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: Paying attention to the color of the people’s hair was a nice detail to include. Was there a point with the thing about red hair or was it just a fleeting thought? Is that to be explained later or was it the thought of “we both have red hair, he shouldn’t be doing this”. The red hair thing is an incomplete thought to a reader.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: How did you get your hand to wrap around his? Earlier in this part of the story, you stated that you were taken off the table and then shackled up, so this doesn’t work. The description when the character is getting beat up, just isn’t very effective. Even if the character is forcing themselves not to feel the pain, the actual blows still need to be emphasized in order to draw the reader in.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: I was glad when you had the doctor come in and inform Lia what was going on. When Doctor Minister comes in to speak with her in solitary: it would be more effective if you had what he said in actual quotes and then go back to give her thoughts by themselves, than just an overview, as you have done.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: The “muhahaha” thing seems out of character when you are talking about the shower. If you said something about giving a thankful laugh and something about guards not being able to go in, I think it would keep the serious tone that seems to permeate from the rest of this piece so far. I like the resolution at the end of this chapter. I think that it shows that although Lia is hurt, she still cares for those who care about her. The little inside joke between them helps to show that they still have each other and haven’t fallen completely.

2004-05-25 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: i agree. i reread this last night and i found a couple more things too, even though not the same. first of all: who exactly is that demitrie guy? as far as i know, you never said where she knows him from or anything, just that he betrayed her. it would be nice to know who he is. it is kinda confusing at the point when he comes into the "hospital". but perhaps i just misunderstood the whole thing ;). second, i think it would be good to somehow show when exactly lianna and scing-mae and later mery are talking with each other in their heads. it kinda flows together like this. perhaps you could just put it in italics or at least add a paragraph in front and after it? perhaps that would make it

2004-05-25 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: more clearly i think. just an idea...

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: She probably had the talking to each other's heads part in italics before she pasted it. You have to put the tags when you put it up here. I know for me that's sometimes a pain.

2004-05-25 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah i know. was just kinda confusing.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: I agree with that, [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]. I just wanted to support her. ^_^